Navigating Sexuality and Gender Questions as Parents
Note: This article is from a presentation I did for a parenting weekend. The focus of the session was to give parents some information regarding the ideas and terminology their kids may be presented with and how parents can walk with their kids as they navigate these questions for either themselves or to understand their friends better.
I recognize that the topic of sex and gender can be a very tough issue that can raise a lot of strong opinions. I ask that we remember, as we read, that there are people, probably not too far from your own circle, who are navigating this with a loved one, whether they are a child, a relative or a friend. There can often be a lot of struggle, confusion, hurt and possibly mental and emotional distress, so please, let’s keep this in mind as we look at this. It is a people issue, and we want to be sensitive to the hearts and minds of those whom we may engage with.
My goal is to present a bit about what the culture looks like right now, as it helps to know what we’re talking about if we are all using the terminology in the same way. Conversations about sexuality and gender are very prominent in our culture right now. So, we also want to talk about what it means to be parenting during this time, whether this may be your child, a friend of your child’s or even just the questions that are coming home.
Before we go too far, I want to affirm a few of my basic beliefs:
That God has created two sexes, male and female.
That God’s intention for marriage is between one man and one woman
I affirm everyone’s humanity and value; we are all created in the image of God and all have value.
Terms and Views
Let’s start with some basic understandings. A big part of the challenge in having this conversation is that the terms are being redefined by the culture around us. When we talk about LGBTQ+ we have to recognize that not everyone who identifies this way is in the same boat.
“LGB” meaning “lesbian, gay and bisexual” refers to those who have same-sex attraction. But even in this there is a broad spectrum of what that means.
“T” stands for “trans” which refers to those who feel that their felt sense of gender does not line up with their birth sex. Again, a broad spectrum of what this looks like.
“Q” which stands for “queer” is becoming more and more an umbrella term for LGBTQ+, and people from both inside and outside the LGBTQ+ community are using the word “queer” in this way (Yarhouse, 2023. Henson, 2023).
One thing to recognize is that we are not referring to the same thing when we say sex or gender.
“Sex” is the objective term that refers to your biological body, typically boy or girl, and is defined by chromosomes, genitalia, hormones and the like. People are either male or female with rare cases of intersex (Yarhouse, 2023).
Whereas “gender,” “gender identity” and “gender expression” are three subjective terms that have sometimes been intertwined to mean the same thing and sometimes separated out to refer to different things. They have also been subject to change over time and appear to continually be molded and shaped in the culture around us.
For the purpose of this article, we will define the terms this way.
“Gender” refers to the “socially constructed roles, expectations, and behaviors that are often ascribed to the different sexes.” (What Is The Difference Between Sex and Gender: https://www.simplypsychology.org/sex-gender.html ). Generally speaking, expected roles specific to a man or a woman in terms of activities and expectations at home, school or work.
“Gender identity” is “a personal, internal perception of oneself and is based on socially constructed roles, behaviors, and customs” (Ibid). An individual may sense themselves as being male or female or non-binary regardless of whether it lines up with their biological sex or not.
“Gender expression” is how the person chooses to express their identity in terms of appearance, name, pronouns, etc. For many, their biological sex and gender identity line up; a male expresses himself as a male, for example. But for some there is a sense of incongruence as to how they feel. This can vary in intensity and can change with time with the incongruence growing or weakening.
People often use the terms “gender,” “gender identity” and “gender expression” interchangeably or to mean something different than mentioned above. Since gender identity is about a subjective self-expression, it can also lend itself to the creation of a broad spectrum of gender expressions which can seem to be growing each day. So, we do well to be curious when we hear these terms to make sure we understand what someone is meaning when they are used.
Another term we see and read often related to gender is “dysphoria.” “Dysphoria” is a feeling of unease or distress and is the opposite of euphoria. Gender dysphoria is the term used for those who are experiencing this incongruence between their sex and their gender (Yarhouse, 2023). There is a broad spectrum of gender dysphoria, so it is hard to understand what someone means if they say they have it without a lot of follow-up to find out how mild or severe it is. Its severity is usually based on questions regarding time and intensity, along with the measure to which it might be impacting one’s day-to-day life.
In his book, Talking to Kids about Gender Identity, Mark Yarhouse (2023), a Christian psychologist and researcher, speaks of the three lenses that Christians use when looking at the causes of sexuality and gender issues.
Lens 1 would say there is a divine, sacred corresponding relationship between biological sex, sexuality and gender. We look at Genesis 1 and 2 as our guide as to how things ought to be. Anything outside of that is by choice and is a sin.
Lens 2 focuses on Genesis 3 and the fall. Because of the fall, sin has entered the world, and as a result, things are not functioning as God intended. As a result, the original intent for sexuality and gender is also not functioning. The underlying causes are not clear, and they appear inconsistently across humanity. So, the dysphoria or sexual attraction cannot be reduced to a choice, but choices are available in how you respond and live out these experiences.
Lens 3 would be that variations in gender and sexual identity are expressions of the diversity we see around us and should be celebrated. Those who are experiencing gender dysphoria or sexual identity questions should be supported and affirmed as they move towards self-actualization.
This view would often use verses like, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free” (Gal. 5:1) or “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28). This article is not going to get into the question of whether this a correct or incorrect use of these verses, rather it is to describe the views that have been represented inside the church so that parents are aware as they talk to their children about sex and gender.
I am a firm believer that God is the God of truth and that all truth that we discover in this world is God’s truth. However, according to most sources I have read, scientists have no firm explanation as to why some people have same-sex sexual preferences, or why some experience different levels of gender dysphoria (Yarhouse, 2013, 2023).
Some want to say it is all based in nature: I was born that way and you can’t change anything. Others would say it’s nurture: culture is to blame as we have blurred the line between what it means to be a man or woman, have a highly sexualized culture, and the idea that so long as you aren’t hurting anyone, there is nothing that is wrong.
I think the struggle is that no one lens fits all here. And there are probably multiple contributing factors that can vary from person to person (geography, environment, trauma, media, to name a few). And these factors may also work differently on each person as they journey through life.
What I would like to encourage us to consider is to try to look at this as a combination of lens 1 and 2. Romans 8:18–21 says, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.”
Our present sufferings and the frustration of creation include our sexuality and gender. This seems like a good place to remind ourselves that this includes all of us, not just those who experience same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria. All of us have temptations, challenges, frustrations in the areas of sexuality and gender. Vs 23b says that we groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.
We live in a fallen, broken world, and we see that brokenness in all aspects of our lives, including our sexuality and gender. For some, this is not a choice, a switch they can turn on and off. I can remember sitting in a presentation at Providence Seminary, by Wesley Hill, author of the book Washed and Waiting (2017), and listening to him describe his pleas to God to take his same-sex attraction away. That he tried everything, sought forgiveness, made promises, confessed. Every suggestion you could possibly think of he tried desperately, but it did not change.
However, even as we can acknowledge that for some this struggle does not seem to be a choice (lens 2), how they live it out is (lens 1). So, because of his faith and his conviction of a biblical view of sexuality and marriage, Wesley Hill has chosen to remain celibate, rather than entering into a same-sex relationship. If you want to read some heartfelt stories of Christians who have had to navigate this same struggle, I encourage you to read Wesley Hill’s book Washed and Waiting, or Gregory Coles book Single, Gay, Christian (2017). Eve Tushnet (2021) is another woman who has also shared this journey, but I have not read her work so I can’t comment on it. (I’ve heard her in a podcast.)
Not everyone is at the same place in the journey. Not everyone has the same understanding or beliefs about their journey and the journey of others. People see themselves and express themselves differently. Here’s what I mean.
Within the spectrum of same-sex identities there is a difference between the use of “gay” (a description) and “Gay” (an identity). Someone who is LGB may express themselves in different ways. For example:
Same-sex and opposite-sex attraction and choose to live in opposite-sex relationship
Same-sex attraction and choose to refrain from sexual relationship
Same-sex attracted and choose to live in a monogamous relationship with same-sex partner
Same-sex attracted and become an advocate for same-sex rights, etc.
(Yarhouse, 2013)
In the same way there is a large spectrum of gender identities. Over 100 by now and “trans” is an overarching term for a variety of non-binary or trans experiences that may or may not involve social or medical changes.
While trans is an overarching term, it is not reflected the same in each person as to how they live it out. For example:
Some use social transition, which does not involve permanent changes and may include clothing, hairstyles, names, pronouns, using opposite-sex spaces, or very little outward changes at all.
Others move on to medical transition, which may involve "puberty blockers" (that were originally developed to slow down early puberty). They may also use cross-sex hormones or surgical interventions.
I mention all this to remind us that this is a complicated discussion. That glib answers and assumptions are not helpful. There are some broad and difficult experiences, each one unique, and so our responses need to recognize that we are walking with unique people with their own stories. The letters LGBTQ2SIA+ all represent different categories that contain real people with real lives and experiences. And they are not all in agreement with each other either. (For example there are lesbian groups that are actively working against allowing trans women into women-only spaces.)
Parenting in this Cultural Climate
Part of development is discovering who we are as sexual beings. Exploration is a part of that, so we don't need to panic at everything we see. For example, a little boy puts on his mom’s shoes and walks around the house. In his research on attachment relationships, Gordon Neufeld notes that an important developmental stage of secure healthy attachment is sameness. This boy could just want to be like mom because of how important she is to him. Or if we see a boy engaged in what is thought of culturally as a girl’s activity or vice versa. Again, this could all be a part of them figuring out who they are, not a sudden decision or move toward gender dysphoria. It is important for us to remember that gendered activities are constantly shifting and changing and are not as rigid as some may perceive them to be.
One of the influences we have noticed over the years is that because of the mainstream messaging around sexual attraction, kids can often confuse relational intimacy, the feeling of being really close with their friends, with sexual intimacy, meaning that they are sexually attracted to them, regardless of gender. This can happen in the teen years, through puberty, and can cause young people to ask if they are same-sex attracted or not. Our conversations leading up to and during these developmental years can be important in helping them to understand the difference. (i.e. just because I love my same-sex friend does not mean I am gay).
So how do we respond when entering into these conversations, whether it is just our kids asking questions, curious about what their attraction or gender expression might be. Or maybe if our own kids are “coming out to us” or talking about friends who are “coming out.”
In his book, Talking to Kids About Gender Identity, Yarhouse (2023) uses three C’s, conviction, civility and compassion, as ways to help us navigate our conversations. I’d like to add one more C, which is where I think it is good to start, and that is curiosity.
Being curious. As our kids, even from a young age, show signs or ask questions that might make us wonder, we do well to pause on our reactions and to ask questions to get curious. Let’s take the example of a five-year-old wearing mom’s shoes. He’s running around, saying “I’m just like you, mommy.” If we can pause our reaction and ask, “why do you say that?” we may find the answers surprisingly wholesome. “Because you always wear clothes that make you look pretty. And you’re always helping people, so I want to be like you and help people too.” He’s identifying your positive traits as something worth emulating. Your response is hopefully something like, “Thank you, you’re right; I do like to be helpful and I’m glad that you want to be helpful too.”
Imagine if your response was to yell, “Get those off, you can’t wear those, you are not like me, you are a boy.” What message have you sent? Well, in the above example, it’s “you can’t be like mommy” with an overlying message of shame. Shame communicates to a child, not that they have done something bad, but that they are bad, a deeper identity message.
There are a lot of different perceptions about stereotypical toys and activities that we conclude are just for the boys, or just for the girls. But kids are often exploring what it means to play with whatever toys they want, with no thought of gender. This doesn’t mean that this is the case all the time. There are occasions of early onset gender dysphoria in children who express a discomfort with their own gender and perhaps make comments about wanting to be the opposite.
Early onset gender dysphoria refers to gender dysphoria in young children and goes beyond the toys and activities a child may like, to an expressed desire to no longer be the gender that aligns with their birth sex. This could be expressed in a desire to have the physical characteristics of the opposite sex, or a displeasure or discomfort concerning their own birth sex. Dysphoria is not something that is defined by a child saying something like this once or twice, rather it is an ongoing, persistent distress that is marked by time and intensity of the discomfort.
Sometimes this early onset dysphoria dissipates as they move through puberty. Asking questions, being patient, seeking trusted help can alleviate some of the distress for us as we navigate this time. For others, this dysphoria may continue throughout puberty and beyond.
In their teen years, kids are trying to figure out who they are and will try on identities like jackets to see what fits them best. Youth are expressing themselves in clothing and attitude as they move to discovering their internal selves. Again, we do well to be curious and patient as the youth themselves may not even know exactly why they are trying out a new look.
Curiosity can alleviate fears, give perspective and help us to move well into the other C’s. As kids get older and ask questions or make statements about sexuality and gender, we respond well by digging a bit deeper as to what’s behind the question or statement, rather than making assumptions and potentially overreact. Overreacting can close this door and future doors regarding sexuality and gender conversations.
By asking simple questions like, “tell me more” or “that’s interesting, where did you hear that, or think of that,” “what does that mean to you,” we can find that our kids may not be thinking what we might be assuming they are. Once our kids feel heard, without judgment, there is opportunity for us to engage in further conversation.
As we think of creating a healthy attachment relationship with our children, one of the things that is significant is our availability to be with them as they process what they experience in the world around them. Our kids are coming to us to try to navigate what they are hearing and experiencing. We have the opportunity to engage or push away.
Now I know one of the questions you are thinking is, what if we are curious and patient and the same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria persists through puberty and into their teen years, what are we supposed to do then? I wish there was an easy answer for you, but maybe some of what Yarhouse talks about with his three C’s will be helpful.
Yarhouse’s (2023) first “C” is “Conviction.” Now notice that it is conviction, not correction.
It is important that you know what you believe, or at least you are on the journey of sorting it out. If you’re not 100% certain, it’s okay, and it’s okay to admit that. But there are a few things to remember when it comes to conviction.
Silence is not the same as agreement. Just because I don’t verbally disagree with someone does not automatically mean I agree with them. We are not called to win the debate; we are called to love and honour God and to love and serve one another. There is a famous Billy Graham quote that has been around for years, “It is God’s job to judge, the Holy Spirit’s job to convict and my job to love.”
Sometimes we feel a sense of urgency, that we have to make sure that the other person has it “right.” We call this the “righting reflex.” Often this has more to do with our own anxiety surrounding this topic than anything else. So take a breath and ask yourself, are you trying to win the argument, get the other to agree, so that your own internal discomfort can be appeased?
We certainly cannot nourish people in their identity in Christ if our focus is on arguing them out of how they perceive themselves. This is why “love the sinner, hate the sin” doesn’t work. Many young people can’t distinguish between the two and so we end up reinforcing a shame message (Henson, 2023). Nourishing faith identity in others starts by bringing Jesus in us to people where they are, as they are.
If we think about the story of the woman caught in adultery in John 8:1–11, we see Jesus not condemning the woman, like the so-called righteous want him to. Rather, he meets her with kindness, without compromising his conviction and invites her to healing, newness, freedom. We do not know what happens to this woman, but I believe that this encounter with Jesus was not soon forgotten and moved her towards change. We have the opportunity to bring Jesus to others, but he does not arrive with anger or judgement (Scripture shows us that Jesus often reserves that for the self-declared righteous and religious).
With this in mind, are we willing to have conversations about faith identity that don’t include sexuality and gender? Sometimes our relentless focus on sexuality and gender can hinder the opportunity for someone to consider that God is inviting them to find their identity in him. As we become more secure in our identity in God, we learn to put the rest of our self under that, including our sexuality and gender.
Yarhouse’s (2023) second “C” is “Civility.” Our kids want to know what we think; have we thought through gracious ways to respond to their inquiries? When difficult topics come up, are we known as someone who can engage others without demonizing them? Can we treat people with the respect due to them as people who bear the image of God? Do you know how to sit in tension on topics that can be a source of conflict?
Civility is standing beside your child as they navigate these hard questions, rather than opposite your child. This again does not mean agreement. But it does mean that you value relationships. A significant part of a child’s faith development is travelled through the lens of relationship. A child’s view of God and you as safe and worth listening to, is filtered through how their brain perceives the relationship (Wilder and Hendricks, 2020).
Yarhouse’s (2023) third “C” is “Compassion.” When a child talks to us about their own questions or about friends, we have to recognize there is often pain involved. Uncertainty, nervousness about relationships, judgment, opinions.
Some research has shown that anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation can be a part of a young person’s experience who is questioning sexuality and gender (Henson, 2023). Now there has been some move to ask, which was first? Does sexuality and gender questioning bring on anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation, or do these things contribute to the questions of sexuality and gender? Some have reported no reduction in these symptoms years after a child has come out or begun the process of transitioning, others talk of some reduction, and still others, that these things may get worse. There is still more work to be done to understand this correlation better.
But the bottom line is that there is often emotional and mental distress related to questions of sexuality and gender. There can be confusion and fear. So we need to consider how we are going to approach our kids. Hopefully with compassion. So what would a compassionate response look like?
While these “C’s,” curiosity, conviction, civility and compassion do not provide us with a clear blueprint of how to navigate these questions with our children and teens, they are important to consider for us as parents and caregivers, for friends, and for the church as we engage with this culture climate.
I want to finish with a final thought concerning the area of boundaries and consequences. When we consider the role of attachment relationships with our children, parents and caregivers are to be “bigger, stronger, kinder and wise” (Powell, Cooper, Hoffman, & Marvin, 2016). This means that as parents, we are sometimes needing to take charge and set boundaries. But it is important for us to remember that all of these are of equal importance. We need to keep in mind all four. Not just the temptation to be bigger, stronger. So as we consider the boundaries we may put in place surrounding sex and gender we must ask, what does bigger, stronger, kinder and wise look like?
With all boundaries that we set in place, whether they are restrictive or permissive, come consequences. Some consequences can be helpful to the relationship, others can be harmful. Some can have a short-term impact; others can have long-term impact. So when you are deciding about many difficult questions, and possible boundaries around things like, contact with friends, social media, dress, names and pronouns, questions surrounding transition, dating, etc., it is hard to have a one-size-fits-all response because the relationship between the parents and child play a large part in what the consequences of these boundaries will be. How the boundaries will impact the relationship, positively or negatively, in the short term, or in the long term. So we pray, we seek wisdom and discernment, we love our children, and we have to make hard decisions which may impact the relationship.
As parents and caregivers, I hope you can join me in saying we are committed to being on this journey with our children for the long haul. Change is slow. The spiritual transformation we want to see is usually a marathon, not a sprint. Patience is hard but necessary as we navigate with our kids. According to God’s word, his love is all-encompassing. I hope you, like me, are able to lean into this all-encompassing love that surrounds us with grace and wisdom as we journey as parents.
Bless you as you love your kids, both when things seem easy and when things seem hard. You are not alone. I also pray for your faith community as they commit to surrounding you with prayer and support as you care for your kids.
References:
Coles, Gregory (2017). Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity. IVP Books.
Henson, Bill (2023). Guiding Families of LGBT+ Loved Ones (revised fifth edition). Posture Shift Books
Hill, Wesley (2017). Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality. Zondervan.
Neufeld, Gordon & Maté, Gabor (2013). Hold On to Your Kids. Knopf Canadian Publishing, Vintage Canada.
Powell, Cooper, Hoffman, & Marvin (2016). The Circle of Security Intervention: Enhancing Attachment in Early Parent-Child Relationships. Guilford Publications.
Tushnet, Eve (2021). Tenderness: A Gay Christian’s Guide to Unlearning Rejection and Experiencing God’s Extravagant Love. Ave Maria Press.
Wilder, Jim & Hendricks, Michel (2020): The Other Half of Church: Christian Community, Brain Science, and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation. Moody Publishers.
Yarhouse, Mark (2023). Talking to Kids about Gender Identity: A Roadmap for Christian Compassion, Civility, and Conviction. Bethany House Publishers.
Yarhouse, Mark (2013). Understanding Sexual Identity: A Resource for Youth Ministry. Zondervan.
