In a ‘grief-illiterate’ society, the bereaved can struggle to find the support they need

DWYLLA ZACHARIAS’S LIFE was upended in a moment.

It was early 2021. She, husband Jared, and their four children had recently returned from the mission field of Hungary and were sorting out how to report to supporting churches despite pandemic restrictions.

“Jared didn’t have any health issues that we knew of,” Dwylla said.

Then a massive heart attack left her a widow. She wondered—where did she go from there? And how?

She came across a GriefShare support group at the Evangelical Free Church in Lethbridge, where she was staying with her family. It seemed like a good place to start.

She described the program as “discovering truths about what grief is and what it’s not, who God is in the midst of our grief, and what we can do about it.”

Dwylla remembers thinking, “Wow, this is what I needed.”

She realized, “What I’m thinking, what I’m feeling ... this is normal,” she said. “This is a natural part of grief.”

Dwylla realized, “What I’m thinking, what I’m feeling ... this is normal. This is a natural part of grief.”

What is GriefShare?

GriefShare is a Bible-based support group curriculum for anyone who has lost a loved one, whether the loss has been recent or many years ago.

Over 13 weeks, GriefShare participants meet and watch a video on grief-related topics that feature Christian counsellors, grief experts, and helpful stories from people who’ve experienced loss. Participants then discuss what has been shared in the video.

“Since there are no neat, orderly stages of grief, you’ll learn helpful ways of coping with grief, in all its unpredictability,” GriefShare’s website says.

The program is specifically for churches and is designed to be run by volunteers.

“We are just there to facilitate the group,” Dwylla said. “The experts are all in the videos.”

After encountering GriefShare in Lethbridge, Dwylla and her children moved to High Level in northern Alberta. Dwylla grew up in that community, and she and Jared had previously lived there as a pastoral couple for the Evangelical Free Church. They still owned a home there, which had been rented out while they were on the mission field.

Dwylla and her kids settled in and returned to her childhood church, High Level Christian Fellowship (EMC). Elders in the church asked her about the GriefShare program and if she’d be open to starting a group. By fall of 2021, Dwylla and co-leader, Gwen Peters, had begun the first 13-week program.

Why does it matter?

Elders at High Level Christian Fellowship saw a need for greater grief support for people in the area. Participants in subsequent groups have come from within the church and in the wider community.

Grieving people may often struggle with feeling misunderstood and alone in what they are experiencing.

A 2021 survey by researchers from the University of Arizona showed that while most respondents were satisfied with the support they received, friends and family scored fairly low on the satisfaction scale. A bit more than 50 percent said they were satisfied with care their friends provided, and 40 percent reported satisfaction with their families’ support.

Forty-one percent said they were dissatisfied with the support provided by faith leaders.

While the survey has limited accuracy (the 372 respondents skewed heavily female, white and married/partnered), the responses provide a window into the grievers’ experiences.

They reported feeling like people were tired of hearing about their grief, irritated or annoyed with them. They felt like people wanted to them to be their “old selves.” They were hurt when people acted like their dead loved one never existed.

The highest rated “caregivers” among those surveyed were pets.

“I think just having that soul there who can’t say anything so it’s like you know they’re not saying the right or wrong thing, they’re just there,” a respondent said.

“We’re not made to go this world alone,” Dwylla said. “There’s something about being together with other people that you know understand ... about realizing that you’re not the only one going through this. Somebody else gets it.”

“We are often so uncomfortable with death’s inevitability that we find ways to avoid discussing it, or even thinking about it,” wrote grief expert David Kessler in a 2021 Quartz article.

“Then, having had so little practice, we often simply don’t know what to say.”

On the flipside, people who’ve recently lost a loved one often don’t understand grief, which can prolong the grieving process, Kessler wrote. They can struggle with intense emotional reactions and not realize these are common and even productive elements of grief.

“We live in a grief-illiterate society,” he said.

The concept of a grief support group didn’t go without opposition in Dwylla’s community. She said she was surprised to be told that it wasn’t right to allow people to get together and “mope.”

“Unfortunately, some people get the message that they’re ‘unspiritual’ or not a ‘good Christian’ if they’re struggling, that grief is a sign of weakness or a lack of faith,” Dwylla said.

In response, Dwylla sometimes answers with John 11:35: “Jesus wept.”

In a GriefShare video, pastor and counsellor Stehen Viars puts it this way: “It’s a very Christlike thing to do, to weep, to grieve. That’s exactly how Jesus felt. The Creator of the world, the One who knew he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet Jesus wept.”

“How wonderful it is that our Saviour truly knows how we feel, and that we can freely follow his example, even in our grief,” Dwylla said. “There’s no need to put on a happy face with God.”

“Every time we go through the videos, I’m in a different spot in my journey,” Dwylla said. “Something different will catch my attention each time or be more meaningful to me.”

The journey

Dwylla has co-led three 13-week cycles of the GriefShare program so far. In the process, she’s noticed progress along her own grief journey.

“Every time we go through the videos, I’m in a different spot in my journey,” she said. “Something different will catch my attention each time or be more meaningful to me.”

“It’s also healing in a way for me too, to be able to help facilitate this program … to know that somebody else is able to better understand their grief and can discover ways to process it for their journey,” she said.

“Grief is not something that ever goes away, but we can learn to continue living and growing with it as part of our stories. Our Father is truly able to turn mourning to joy.”

“GriefShare has been a tremendously helpful tool in my grief journey, and I’m glad to be able to share it.”