by Terry M. Smith
Christian: I want to join your church.
EMC Minister: Great. Have you been baptized upon your faith in Jesus?
Christian: Twice. Mennonites by pouring and Baptists by immersion. Is a third time needed?
Minister: No double or triple dipping needed. Do you accept our Statement of Faith?
Christian: Do mean footwashing, pacifism, inerrancy (is that full or limited and how is that different from infallibility?), a vague creation account, the personality of Satan, eternal separation for the unrighteous?
Minister: Well, just the important stuff.
Christian: Important stuff? Why is the rest there, then?
Minister: Partly to define ourselves against Catholics, Orthodox, mainliners, and other evangelicals.
Minister: Well, suppose we ask, “Do you believe that Jesus Christ is Lord, that the Bible is the Word of God, and that salvation is only through the Lord Jesus Christ”?
Christian: That’s fine.
Minister: Will you identify with us, participate with us, be accountable, learn with us, knowing that our Statement of Faith is our teaching standard?
Minister: Then you can become a member.
Christian: But I’m left handed.
Christian: Gal. 2:9 says Paul was received by the “right hand of fellowship.” Is that to be taken literally?
Minister: I think I have a headache.
Christian: Don’t worry. Pentecostals taught me how to lay on hands and Anglicans taught me the benefits of strong drink. Do you mind if I speak in tongues?